The Good & The Ugly

Ulcerative Colitis shows the good and the ugly side of me in so many ways.  Today, I have been thinking about how it (unfortunately) shows the bad side of my relationship with God.  You see, when I'm flaring, I'm quick to cry-out to God, to ask Him for guidance or courage by the hour/minute/second, and to lean on Him for understanding.  I'm quick to ask God "why?" I'm quick to search for answers in the Bible and I'm quick to spend time with Him.  When I'm feeling fine, I'm less introspective, I don't cry-out to Him as often, I don't pray by the second/minute/hour, and I don't always lean on Him.  Yep, that's pretty ugly when I think about it.


That makes me look like a slot machine: I want God to give to me, the most, when I'm flaring.  There are two sides to that thinking.  One side says, when I'm doing fine, I {think} I don't really "need" Him as much.  Now that's a slippery slope to be on.  The other side says, wait a minute, if that's the case, wouldn't you always want to be flaring so that way you are closer to God?  Why, then, during my flares, am I praying for it to end, if I know that I'll distance myself from God?  Both sides of that thinking demonstrates the ugly side of, well, my humanness/flesh.  With this in mind and as I see this flare come to a close, I hope that I can still cry-out to God, that I can still hold Him close, and that I can lean on Him to understand the rest of this world better.

This time around, I pray that my walk is not reflective of what is going on within my flesh.  I pray that my walk remains and that the flesh is just details.  That my walk is not contingent on flesh AND that my flesh has no hold on my walk with my King. 

How about you?  Do you find yourself closer to God when you are going through a hard time than when life is going well?  How do you need Him in the day to day?  How does your walk reflect the chaos or harmony of what you are going through?

~Andréa